Harry Potter and the Order of the Zero Waste
by seriousblahblah
Summary: Saving the planet by destroying Voldemort Inc. is the greatest battle the chosen one, Harry Potter, will ever face, but he must do everything possible to reduce, reuse and recycle. The Death Eaters can't stop him if he beats them up and eradicates their 7 evil horcruxes. Harry Potter first takes on the first evil Horcrux hurting the ocean. "This one's for the whale!" Harry yelled.
1. Chapter 1

a/n: No this is not a crackfic, these are serious issues. Please read with caution and keep fighting the good fight.

~o~

Harry Potter, the chosen one, the boy-who-lived-to-plant-trees, stood at the edge of the ocean and looked out in shock.

In every direction, as far as he could see, there was plastic in the ocean. Plastic bottles. Plastic bags. Nets. Random bits of plastic that had been deposited on the shore or still catched the waves on the ocean, which rolled and waved towards the shore with more plastic.

"This is ghastly!" Harry thought in shock as he picked up a baby sea turtle who had been battling a good fight with someone's old Tesco plastic net that had wrapped itself around the turtle so it could no longer move or swim. "There, there, little guy," Harry cooed. "All better." He incinerated the plastic using his wand then coughed as toxic VOCs were released at the same time as the plastic burned, but it was better than letting it hurt the ocean or sitting in some landfill for 10,000 years...because that's how long it took for plastic to naturally rot and degrade back into the earth.

Harry let the little turtle down onto the sand so it could swim back into the ocean. Though, as Harry gazed out at the ocean, he didn't have high hopes for its survival when in the distance one of Voldemort OIL ships sailed by and more toxic plastic was thrown overboard by his sailours, a.k.a the Death Eaters.

Besides the turtle, Harry soon found a great whale had beached itself on the ocean. Yet again. Harry saw this everyday now, which was far too often.

Harry Potter scanned the contents of the whale's stomach using his magic Superman laser vision. The mystery of why whales beached themselves, seemingly in suicide, was no longer a mystery.

The poor whale had about a ton of plastics swallowed in its stomachs and intestines, slowly killing it because plastic was indigestible and blocking its stomach. The whale couldn't get rid of the plastic inside its belly and it didn't have any room for real food in its stomach. Thus the whale was slowly starving to death, on a full belly of plastic.

Harry felt something inside him break as the whale shed a tear in agony. "Hungry, hurting," the whale seemed to say in its whale-speak. unfortunately, Harry couldn't understand what the whale said; he was a Parseltongue but he was not a Whale-whisperer.

Yet he understood, without words or language, the whale's agony and pain. It shook him to his core.

"This is Voldemort's fault!" Harry screamed hard in rage and tears came blubbering down his face as he reached out a hand to try to soothe the dying way. "Voldemort has created the 7 Horcruxes of Toxic Waste trying to destroy the planet for his own industry and profit!"

Harry shed a final tear as the whale took in a last breath before turning over, belly up, in death.

Luna Lovegood, his blonde eco-warrior girlfriend, came running up to them both and asked what happened. When Harry told her, the zany blonde heaved back tears and threw herself onto the whale's corpse to cry even louder. "Noooooo not another blue whale!" Luna became hysterically sad.

Harry knew his sensitive girlfriend would soon lose her sanity if he didn't do something about the situation.

Harry Potter wasn't the chosen one for just nothing. He was the CHOSEN ONE because he could use amazing spells of recycling, reducing waste, reusing and beating up the Industrial Triads who threatened the earth like Voldemort, the Death Eaters and a bunch of other bad guys.

Harry got out his wand. "This time, it's personal!" the boy yelled madly as he picked up his girlfriend away from the dead whale's carcass. "WE ARE GOING TO TAKE VOLDEMORT DOWN USING ZERO WASTE MAGIC!"

~O~

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A/N: What will happen next? Will Harry get everyone, including dumb muggles, to stop using single use plastic and plastic bags and switch to reusable and ecofriendly alternatives...like reusable bags, walking instead of being lazy, paper packaging, corn-based biodegradable plastics and paper straws ('oh boo hoo my straw gets soggy! I want plastic' the muggle whined)

Please read, review and follow along. All the things about plastic in the ocean, baby turtles and whales dying from their bodies filled with plastic are real and you can google them. This is real fight and struggle that affects all of us, both present and future. Help support Harry and the ecowarrior Luna Lovegood by saying 'NO' to plastic and especially single use plastic!

Cheers and yes some of this is written tongue-in-cheek, though I am sincerely passionate about the issues.


	2. Chapter 2

~o~

Harry marched into the nearest Voldy-Mart's big box supermarket. Luna trailed behind him absentmindedly humming to herself and skipping; she still wore the bathing suit she had been wearing at the beach and many people (well mostly men) leered at his girlfriend. But Harry was more preoccupied with the ecological disaster he saw unfolding before him in this store and big box stores across the nation. There was plastic every where, not just in the products themselves, but single use plastics like bags.

He stopped by one of the cashiers placing a customer's purchases into a plastic bag.

Harry made an irritated sound in his throat and walked right up to them. Like really? He felt furious.

"You have no idea what you are doing, do you?" Harry asked in a presumptuous tone to the cashier and customer.

"Sorry?" the cashier asked.

"Beg your pardon, do I know you?" the muggle customer stammered.

"You're putting her groceries in a PLASTIC BAG!" Harry shouted at the cashier. Luna Lovegood heard him screaming and came to put her arm around his shoulders. Both the cashier and customer did a double take of Harry and Luna (in her bathing suit with long blonde hair still covered in sand) and thought they were crazy people.

_They were the crazy people,_ Harry wanted to yell at them. _These ecowasters! While he and Luna were ECOwarriors, hell yeah! On the right side of the battle, and the right side of history, while these corporate punks and sellouts were on Voldemort Inc.'s side._

"What's the problem here?" The cashier batted his eyes innocently like he didn't know he was doing anything wrong.

"What's the problem? Where to even begin! My girlfriend and I just buried a whale thanks to single use plastics like your stores bags!" Harry shouted and felt even more irritated.

"The whales are dying!" Luna yelled frantically and began to cry.

Harry balled up his fist - nothing hurt him more than seeing Luna's feelings hurt.

Harry walked right up to the cashier. He decided to use the Karen technique. Harry adjusted his glasses and stared in his most mad face at the minimum-wage paid employee. "I want to see your manager!" Harry hissed like a Karen.

"Okay then," the cashier said with a roll of his eyes. "Can you wait over there?" He pointed to a bench on the opposite wall.

Harry and Luna sat down there and Harry began to make-out with his cute ecowarrior girlfriend because the manager was taking their sweet time to show up.

Finally the manager showed up. Harry glared at her. "Do you have any idea of what kind of toxic environment you are running here?" he demanded.

"I'm just the manager, I don't make store policies," the manager said.

"I don't care what your excuse is," Harry said. "Do you have any idea what havoc plastic bags are wreaking on the planet! The oceans have more plastic in them then fish! Single use plastic items, like the ones you sell, are to blame! Where is the responsibility?!"

"Okay, sir, I'm going to have to call store security," the close-minded manager said, not understanding one word of what Harry was trying to teach her.

"I swear, muggles!" Harry swore under his breath then remembered his mum was muggleborn and not to hate them too much. That was Voldemort's job to be the magical supremacist. "C'mon Luna, let's go!"

Then as the store security tried to tackle him and Luna, Harry freaked out.

"Arresto momentum!" he shot his wand at the Security guard and they froze like a statue.

The muggles who witnessed the attack screamed in fright.

Luna and him just smirked. "Muggles," they whispered.

Soon the police arrived but Luna and Harry had already set fiendfyre to the big box store and incinerated the whole building.

"That's approximately 40,000 plastic bottles and single use plastics, we just saved from going into the ocean, or a landfill, leaching toxic waste into the soil and groundwater," Harry said proudly. "We're keeping Britain beautiful and clean!"

"I love you so much Harry!" Luna jumped up and down excitedly and began to make out with him with tongue.

A few muggles running out of the burning store passed by them and shoved the kissing couple.

"Hey watch where you're going!" Harry angrily grunted.

"Well, we better use one more magic spell here before we go," Luna smiled and took out her wand.

Harry left this more advanced magic up to his gifted, eccentric girlfriend. "Thank you, do it Luna."

Luna waved around her wand and proudly turned the ashes of the big box store into another big box store...except this store  
was a Hole Foods and Natural Health foodstore.

"Good job!" Harry and Luna both clapped hands and cheered, before they mirthfully left the new Health food store and walked away arm in arm.

Many confused muggles who had been previously shopping in the big box store were confused how they ended up in a health food store but they started to buy the more expensive but healthier foods and eat healthier versions like 'health chips'.

Uh oh. Just as they were leaving however, Harry and Luna were stopped in their tracks by the sign of Voldemort Inc in the sky: the corporation's snake in a skull symbol appeared in the sky and they knew it was only a matter of minutes before the big guy himself showed up.

"Voldemort's not going to be happy, we closed down one of his stores and replaced it," Harry quipped.

"No he isn't," Luna's blue eyes widened.

Yet they satisfactorily took note of all the muggles leaving the new store with Reusable hemp shopping bags instead of single-use-plastic bags.

"WE HAVE TO STAY AND FIGHT!" Harry shouted and they both took out their wands as a troupe of Death Eaters started to march towards them.

"Quick make a line of peaceful protest!" Luna roared and waved her hands together, her boobs giggling in the flimsy swimsuit as she stared down the evil corporate shills marching towards them.

"I won't let go of your hand!" Harry promised. "This is for the whale!"

~o~

A/N: What will happen next? hmmm

~o~


	3. Chapter 3

_Brief Flashback that makes no sense..._

Harry felt his scar burn on his forehead.

His eyes clenched shut and Luna screamed at him to focus.

"Voldemort is here! You can't black out now!" Luna shouted with terror in her voice and no doubt shaking her nargle boots. "We have to fight, you promised not to let go of my mind!"

"My scar...burns," Harry muttered and then fell back into unconsciousness. "I can't."

~o~

He awoke again in a forest in his mind.

There on the stump of a hundred-year old, fallen tree stood a tiny brown beaver.

The beaver was named Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore," Harry whispered. "My mentor. Why did you leave me?"

Dumbledore scratched at his two sharp front white teeth. Harry noticed he had quite the set of chompers. Harry guessed Dumbledore the beaver could eat thru many trees.

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Dumbledore said in a sage, wise voice.

"I don't know what that riddle means!" Harry shouted at the beaver.

"Recycle, Harry. You must find the meaning within."

Dumbledore dissappeared just as suddenly from the tree stump.

Harry felt overwhelmed and alone in the forest. How could he manage to save the world or achieve supreme zero-waste magic without his mentor?

"Dumbledore come back!" Harry's lungs hurt he screamed so loud. Dumbledore come back!"

The brown beaver did not respond.

Harry glumly looked down at his hands and noticed Dumbledore had left a wooden whistle by his feet.

Harry picked it up.

He was about to blow the mysterious wooden whistle (which looked about 1000 years old and maybe like Gryffindor owned it once) when Harry dissapeared from the forest as soon as his lips touched the wood.

~o~

Harry awoke again on the parking lot battlefield.

Luna loomed over him, fanning him and rubbing his chest.

The cute blonde smiled widely when she saw he was awake again.

"Harry! You're back!"

"Yes!" Harry dusted off his clothes and grabbed his glasses from Luna. "We have to fight Voldemort, I can't let him win!"

Luna reddened. "I tried throwing reusable bags at Voldemort and then flashing him but it only slowed down his troops, it didn't stop him!"

"Good thinking!" Harry winced. "But try not to flash the Death Eaters too much, they might get ideas." He scanned the perimeters of the parking lot.

Luna cleverly had apparated them behind an overturned car.

"Where is Voldemort?"

Luna pointed. "He's hiding behind that tree."

Harry was immediately brought back to his dream. "Did you say _tree?"_

_Harry reached into his pocket. He smiled as his hands founds the wooden whistle from his dream was now in his pocket_

_"So dumbledore had sent help!" Harry thought._

_But how could he defeat voldemort with just a whistle, blow it to hhurt his hearing?!_

_~o~_

~O~


	4. Chapter 4

As the Death Eaters and Voldemort approached them, throwing deadly spells, Harry and Luna slowed their onslaught by throwing granola, reusable bags, reusable pads and reusabled diapers at them. But it did not fully stop them. The onslaught of Voldemort's plastic pollution and deadly spells continued.

"Voldemort I'm not going to let you destroy the planet!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. He hurled a heavy reusabled diaper filled with poop at the Dark Lord's head but it missed.

Voldemort, who stood beside a team of about 10 death eaters, laughed. "Oh yeah, how are you gonna stop me Potter? You and your girlfriend are outnumbered!" The snake faced man pointed at Harry and his blonde girlfriend.

"We have heart," Harry said, unscared and undetterd by voldemort's meanness. he wasn't going to let this fool bully him.

"And we have fart," Luna said.

"What do you mean?" Voldemort asked cringing.

"Vegan gains," Harry shouted. "C'mon Luna, let's take them down! We ate beans, lentils and micros-sprouts today, we have enough ammunition to take them down!"

They both took out their wands as they bent over to emit their gasses. "VEGAN FARTS!" they yelled at the same time and let it rip in Voldemort's direction. With the help of the spell, their toxic gas was amplified and wafted towards Voldemort and his death eaters.

IMMEDIATELY SEVERal death eaters choked and couldn't breathe. "I can't breathe my lord!" one of the death eaters grasped at his throat in desperation before keeling over. tHEN TWO MORE of the death eaters died. The rest left alive were smart enough to cast breathing spells around themselves fro protection.

Voldemort coughed too though he was made immortal by his seven horcruxes.

"You wont win Potter! Attack!" Voldemort sent the rest of his alive death eaters to attack the two Order members.

But Luna stood in the way and raised both her hands in the air, "Septum PLastic semtra!" she chortled.

~o~


End file.
